There are often times when something bothers me and I shrug it off, saying “it doesn’t matter” when it actually does…because if it truly didn’t matter, there would be no need to reinforce my indifference. I can remember doing this ever since I was a child, in an effort to minimize what was bothering me, by telling myself it didn’t.
Funny thing though, it rarely works anymore! And it’s because, these days, I know something REALLY bothers me when I find myself shrugging it off and saying “it doesn’t matter” mantra-style…over and over again. I’m finding that what this really represents is an unwillingness on my part to accept feeling hurt or upset by something I’d rather not be.
I sometimes like to pretend I’m impervious to having my feelings hurt, especially when I can understand what motivated the other person’s actions. But usually, if it’s still upsetting me even after all that processing, it’s because I’ve forgotten to honor my own wounding, to hold myself as precious and loved by myself, cradling those hurt parts rather than disavowing…disallowing…the emotions. Because, as we know, what we resist persists.
So these days I’m saying to myself, “Oh look, I guess I’m still bothered by that. And so I’ll honor it, and embrace the lesson, as I endeavor toward healing.”